Alert the Militia! Seattle Is in the Pocket of Big Bicycle

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only one who sees it. But thank the Lord those Seattle Times editorial writers also have the courage to see it and speak out before it’s too late. My friends think I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I know, as certainly as I know that rain falls and Barack Obama is a Muslim, that SEATTLE IS IN THE POCKET OF BIG BICYCLE.

On the heels of Nicole Brodeur’s genius work of art, Joni Balter at the Times put it better than I ever could:

Safety advocates also fought to change the configuration on Northeast 125th Street — again more bike space, fewer car lanes and enhanced safety.

Increasingly, cars are being shoved aside, as evidenced by efforts to jack up commercial parking rates, the constant plea for more light rail and significant transfer of asphalt to bike lanes.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I despise the inflated influence of Big Safety on our city’s policy-making process. I am so tired of the city caving to the demands of the Bicycle fat cats, with their petroleum-free transportation and dramatically reduced rates of obesity and chronic health. It’s enough to make you sick.

I mean, come on! The city is already funding 30 percent of what is needed to complete the bicycle master plan. What more could these bicycle fat cats want? And the Muslim socialists at the White House put almost 2 percent of federal transportation dollars into bicycle projects. I say, Enough already!

Some naysayers might say, “Oh, Joni, how can you complain about a small percentage of the bicycle master plan being funded during such a tough recession while avidly supporting the $2 billion deep-bore tunnel that only allows motor vehicles and will in no way offer any assistance to means of transportation other than the motorized vehicle, which has dominated transportation funding for the past century and which is killing our environment and our fellow citizens with it’s giant list of negative health, safety and urban design problems?” Or maybe they will point out that the cost to fix the “Mercer Mess” is enough to fund the entire ten-year bicycle master plan.

Well I say, back off my Joni! Your concerns, which are backed up only by “research” and “proven experiences in other cities” and driven by your desire for a livable city built around concepts of sustainability and living enjoyable healthy lives will not convince the two of us!

Open your eyes, people! Look out your iron-barred windows at the streets below! Can you imagine if all those cars were to start disappearing? Can you imagine the horror of seeing swarms of people on bicycles, happily riding down the street with better health and connection to the communities they ride through? I would have to idle my Hummer’s engine and take huffs off the tailpipe just to remember the good ol’ days when car exhaust was everywhere.

This horrible world could exist, Seattle, unless we put a stop to the influence of Big Bicycle today. If you would like to help plan the revolution, I’ll be in my bunker working on my collection of handmade artisan truck nuts.

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2 Responses to Alert the Militia! Seattle Is in the Pocket of Big Bicycle

  1. keith says:

    this my favorite blog post of all time. it started off great but the truck nuts really pushed it into new territory.

  2. Leif says:

    Oh my Jesus this is amazing. The sarcasm is almost as palpable as the exhaust seeping into my home from 10th Ave E.

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