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Still Calling Me Daughter: an essay in my late 40s

Jessica Cherry reached out to invite me to get coffee a few months back. She was reading my book and had an idea for an essay that needed to get out but did not have any other home. I am so glad she decided to share it through Seattle Bike Blog.

Selfie of a woman with a bike helmet in front of a mural with a hummingbird and butterfly.

This February it was dark and sprinkling rain and I was walking up a steep hill in Wallingford from the Burke-Gilman Trail pushing the silver Gary Fisher mountain bike that my sister-in-law bought in 1994. In fact, she and I bought the same bike, the same week, back when she was my brother’s girlfriend, now 30 years ago. I remember that she bought the silver one that I wanted from a shop in our hometown that everyone called CycleJerks, and I was stuck with the purple one. She remembers that she bought the bike from our friend who worked at an entirely different store and, doubting my own memory, I’ll assume she’s right. My bike moved to New York City with me and lived there for 10 years with a stable of other bikes until I sold it and moved to Alaska, 18 years ago. My sister-in-law’s followed her back and forth across the country, until it landed in her garage in Seattle.

I was walking the bike up the steep hill because, only a couple of weeks prior, I was still living in Alaska, in the cold slumber of mid-winter, where on any given day my leg muscles might see only hot yoga or a lazy ski, if anything. My embrace of home weight lifting and a bit of snow biking in the pandemic years has tapered, to say the least. Like many of us, my husband and I had been floating, drifting, passing along in the post-pandemic, post-insurrection era, waiting for the next shoe to drop, and then just after Christmas, on a routine health test, it did.


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Wait what? Really? We survived the Pandemic years so we could face this? We cursed, wept, and packed for the Good Hospital, in Seattle. Then, Boeing 737s started falling apart and cold temperatures in Kansas canceled our dog’s flight. I pleaded with the customer service “he’s an Alaska husky…and we aren’t going to Kansas…” “I’m sorry ma’am, the whole pet concierge service is shutting down.” I thought about what else I might apply the term “concierge” to and how absurd this all seemed. But, the afternoon before the treatment would start, we made it here, our family of three, collapsing into a friend’s backyard cottage. A few hours later, at the Good Hospital, I watched the first bag of poison flow directly into my husband’s heart.

In the days since that all started, I had found a temporary office out at Sand Point, and now I was biking back to the cottage after the sun had already set. Despite the sprinkling rain, a warm wind brushed my face, just as I dismounted for the steep hill to Wallingford. It had been so long since I’d felt a warm wind at night that I was immediately transported back to the 1990s, and the bike and its creaking gears sent chills down my back. This was a dream, a nightmare, a surreal mindset. I am on my high school bike again, but it isn’t mine. I am living in the same city as my brother again, but it isn’t our home town. He is still the same, but thirty years older, a scientist and a dad. His girlfriend is the same, but now a medical doctor and mother of their children. Our ailing parents now live just a few doors down from them. In 1994, I could not get far enough, fast enough, from my parents and now, here we all were in Seattle.

Did my husband really exist, or had I dreamed him into being, these past eighteen years? Were our home and dogs and Alaskan adventures all erased by some accidental time travel? Was I really still 17 years old, biking home from the coffee shop where I worked after school, my bank account empty but for a thousand tomorrows? I felt dizzy and alarmed. And then, in the intersection, a young man rode past me on a skateboard with a plaid shirt, torn jeans, and a stocking hat over long, blond hair. Maybe it was still 1994 and I was just a daughter. Now I wanted to scream.

I remounted and headed West, still climbing, but less steeply, past modest bungalows that I could never afford to live in. And this, too, felt strange. In the version of my life from a few weeks ago, a run-down, moss-covered bungalow would have been within reach of my professional successes; but not these here in Seattle, a million dollars or more in 2024. My heart was pumping and the rusty bike was creaking under the weight of the panniers, but my legs could still climb. And with this realization was a kind of lightness. I imagined the lightness, in fact, of adulthood’s responsibilities–homes, and cars and even loved ones–gently lifted out of view, and for that moment it was just me and the beautiful, old bike.

At the stop light on 45th Street, I made the mistake of checking my phone. There was a message from my brother: “Dad fell again/ is in hospital.” And this was the pattern now every few weeks, as Dad’s own cancer consumes him. I thought back to my teenage years, confident now that a few decades really had passed. I never imagined having to take care of my parents because I didn’t think they would live this long, honestly. When I’d been a junior in high school Dad had left on a kind of Walkabout and I didn’t expect him to come back. In some senses he never did, except that he was now physically parked in the smaller half of a duplex here in Seattle, with my mom in the other half where she was trying to rebuild a new life in recovery, at the last possible moment. She was a painter, but I’ve never known what colors she dreams in.

When I was a child, my parents offered hints as subtle as flying anvils that adulthood was full of false promises. Rather than a hard-earned, picket-fenced bungalow, we would be lucky to find a dank basement to hide in while the proverbial tornadoes pass through. Far too often, the sky is a threatening shade that promises something unpleasant, be it a funnel cloud, hailstones, or just a scary, moonless night. Of course, I’d assumed that their troubles were all their fault. But, try as I might, the career I’d planned for hasn’t been great either, and the political world didn’t turn into the Pax Romana that my high school history teacher said it would be. The American workplace has never felt so full of landmines and our culture has turned into a surreal array of technologies offered by late capitalism for whose benefit, I hardly wish to know. But a medical miracle for my husband–now that we were still counting on.

I parked the Gary Fisher at the cottage and offloaded the panniers before wheeling it into my friend’s basement. Inside the cottage, I set down the bags with my empty travel mug and dirty lunchbox and laptop and rolled up office clothes. My husband, thin and newly white-haired, but very real, was pulling a salmon fillet out of the oven, one he’d caught near home last summer. The smell surrounded us like a blanket and the dog knew to expect fish skin in his bowl that night. And this, perhaps, is middle age: a mash-up of the past and the present, the sweet and the pungent, many failures and a few successes. Is this a dream or a nightmare? Time will tell. But for now, well, I’m still alive.


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45 responses to “Still Calling Me Daughter: an essay in my late 40s”

  1. ronp

    very nice! hope the health event is conquered. hang in there.

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  2. Scott

    I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing the story.

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  3. NS

    Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

  4. Ben P.

    That’s a touching essay. You definitely have to live every day. Take care.

  5. Kennedy Blake

    HELLO

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    Am really happy that i and my Husband are cured of (HERPES SIMPLEX VIRUS) with the herbal medicine of LORD RICHARD , i have been

    suffering from this disease for the past 3 years without solution until i came across this doctors who have cure so many people with his

    herbal medicine, i also choose to give him a chance to help me and my husband, he told me what to do and i kindly did it, and he gave us

    his herbal medicine and direct me on how to use it, i also follows his instruction for use and he ask us to go for a check up after 3 weeks and

    which i did, to my greatest surprise our result came out as negative, we are really happy that there is someone like this lord richard who is

    ready to help anytime any day. to all the readers and Viewers that is doubting this testimony stop doubting it and contact this Dr and see if

    he will not actually help you. I am not a stupid Woman that i will come out to the Public and start saying what someone have not done for
    me .contact him now if you are also in need of help via

    email [email protected]
    whatsaap number +1(360)884-0286
    May God bless you sir for all your good works. contact LORD RICHARD today for your following diseases below

    HEPATITIS,
    CÁNCER,
    HIV
    HERPES
    ASTHMA
    DIABETES
    EPILEPSY
    INFERTILITY
    STAPHYLOCOCCUS.
    BARENESS
    Kidney?

  21. Shenny Bones

    Hello my name is Shenny Bones from USA New York, I want to testify to the general public how my relationship was restored back by the great power’s of Dr Peter after three months of loneliness, my Ex-lover called me after my contact with Dr Peter that he want us to come back and start a good home, now we are happily together again as lovers. All thanks to Dr Peter who did a love spell for me for my Ex lover to return home. I will keep sharing this until people who also need help see this for his wonderful help. WHATSAPP +1 (646) 494-4360

    Hello my name is Shenny Bones from USA New York, I want to testify to the general public how my relationship was restored back by the great power’s of Dr Peter after three months of loneliness, my Ex-lover called me after my contact with Dr Peter that he want us to come back and start a good home, now we are happily together again as lovers. All thanks to Dr Peter who did a love spell for me for my Ex lover to return home. I will keep sharing this until people who also need help see this for his wonderful help. WHATSAPP +1 (646) 494-4360

    Hello my name is Shenny Bones from USA New York, I want to testify to the general public how my relationship was restored back by the great power’s of Dr Peter after three months of loneliness, my Ex-lover called me after my contact with Dr Peter that he want us to come back and start a good home, now we are happily together again as lovers. All thanks to Dr Peter who did a love spell for me for my Ex lover to return home. I will keep sharing this until people who also need help see this for his wonderful help. WHATSAPP +1 (646) 494-4360

    Hello my name is Shenny Bones from USA New York, I want to testify to the general public how my relationship was restored back by the great power’s of Dr Peter after three months of loneliness, my Ex-lover called me after my contact with Dr Peter that he want us to come back and start a good home, now we are happily together again as lovers. All thanks to Dr Peter who did a love spell for me for my Ex lover to return home. I will keep sharing this until people who also need help see this for his wonderful help. WHATSAPP +1 (646) 494-4360

  22. Maria Aksoy

    Good day to you reading this, I don’t know what brought you here but if you are having any difficulties in life, I want you to know you have found the solution to your problems today. I never thought I would ever write something like this online but Dr Ajayi, the man blessed by his ancestors with spiritual powers, worked wonderfully for me. I was having problems in my marriage because my husband chased me and our 2 children out of the house after I confronted him about cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend. I saw some text on his phone which confirms my claims. I lived with my mother and was looking for ways to reconcile with my husband, he was a caring and loving man but I was surprised he changed all of a sudden. I was looking for solutions online when I read several testimonies of how Dr Ajayi has helped restore peace in many homes, so I decided to give him a try. I contacted Dr Ajayi and explained to him, he told me what is causing the problems and what has to be done, I followed all his instructions and today I am back home living with my husband, this is after separation of 8 months. If you are facing any kind of problem in life be it health or social Dr Ajayi is your last stop. Don’t be shy, contact Dr Ajayi on Whatsapp or Telegram : +2347084887094 or Email : [email protected]

  23. EMILY NOAH

    When I found Dr.Oniha I was in desperate need of bringing my ex lover back. He left me for another woman. It happened so fast and I had no say in the situation at all. He just dumped me after 3 years with no explanation. I contacted Dr.Oniha through his website and He told me what I need to do before he can help me and I did what he told me, after i provided what he wanted, he cast a love spell to help us get back together. Shortly after he did his spell, my boyfriend started texting me again and felt horrible for what he just put me through. He said that I was the most important person in his life and he knows that now. We moved in together and he was more open to me than before and he started spending more time with me than before. Ever since Dr.Oniha helped me, my partner is very stable, faithful and closer to me than before. I highly recommend Dr. Oniha to anyone in need of relationship/marriage help.
    Email:[email protected]
    Call/Whatsapp +16692213962

  24. Gdfcjnj

    All thanks to the powerful Sea master Dr Oman for restoring my broken home and bringing back my husband. I was really very worried about how I could get my man back after the divorce and he went after another woman. I knew it was not ordinary and my kids miss him so much and wanted him to come back home to us again but all effort was not enough until I met with Sea master the great love spell caster who promised to help me and just after he started he got so many revelations about the woman he was having affair with, but I am very happy that after the successful work of the great Sea master he came back to his senses, he is now with us the kids is happy again and he no longer sees the other lady again. If you have a problem like email the great Sea master for help or any type of spell. Email: [email protected] or write to he through his WhatsApp http://wa.me/+66836855474

  25. Maria Helena

    Hello, everyone’s, my name is Maria Helena from the United kingdom and I want to use this opportunity to thank Dr Ughulu for helping me to cure my Herpes disease, it has been over 2 years now I had this disease I don’t even know how it got throw me, i have been going to difference hospital just to make sure I get cure and nothing works out for me, until the day I saw a comment online about how someone testify how Dr Ughulu cure her herpes disease and It was so very interesting to me, I really think about it for few minutes before I sent him a message and he said you’re welcome my daughter, he list out what he will buy to work for me and also he said I shouldn’t worried. I will be fine, so I really did the right thing he asked me to do. It didn’t take up to three weeks until I was healed from my herpes disease, I went for a checkup and the doctor told me nothing is wrong with me. Please join me to thank Dr Ughulu. I really appreciate his good work. My God will continue to bless you forever. You can visit his website: https://drughulupowerfulsp.wixsite.com/my-site-ughulu CALL/TEXT: +1(252) 409-1841 or email:[email protected]

  26. Brunette Keller

    A BIG THANKS TO DR OMAN FOR PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE AGAIN…..
    My heart was broken and I thought all hope was lost, I never believed I would get back my man again until Dr Oman brought him back within 24 hours with his powerful love spell, I believe he can still help anyone with broken marriages. Life is too short to be unhappy. He is reliable for positive result contact the spell caster for love spell, watch his YouTube channel to see amazing comment about him; @droman01  Email address;; [email protected]
    You can text him too on mobile contact  +6683 685 5474

  27. Gdfcjnj

    All thanks to the powerful Sea master Dr Oman for restoring my broken home and bringing back my husband. I was really very worried about how I could get my man back after the divorce and he went after another woman. I knew it was not ordinary and my kids miss him so much and wanted him to come back home to us again but all effort was not enough until I met with Sea master the great love spell caster who promised to help me and just after he started he got so many revelations about the woman he was having affair with, but I am very happy that after the successful work of the great Sea master he came back to his senses, he is now with us the kids is happy again and he no longer sees the other lady again. If you have a problem like email the great Sea master for help or any type of spell.. Email: [email protected] or write to he through his WhatsApp http://wa.me/+66836855474

  28. Stacey Muller

    I met my husband while we were in college. We dated for quite a long time and cohabited and it was all love and bliss while both building our dreams. Things become very awkward when he travelled for a workshop and stayed for 6 months. He changed when he visited and i found out that he was seeing someone else in Ohio and he was serious with her. It broke me because i loved my husband so much and would do anything to have him back to myself alone. I had to reach out to Dr Ilekhojie who helped my aunt in the past and I complied with the instructions he gave me and repaired my marriage. My husband returned last week and i saw a message between him and this lady and he told her to stay away as he wants to focus on our marriage and start having kids. . All thanks to this great Dr Ilekhojie who i met through my aunt. Se his details here if you ever need his help. Email: [email protected] or contact his phone number +2348147400259

  29. sofia gay

    HOW I GOT MY EX BACK…
    My relationship was restored by the help of DOCTOR BALBOSA a reliable love spell caster from USA, through natural love spell, my boyfriend of 2 years left me for a older lady. we both have 2 lovely daughters and i really love my man so much, i searched the internet and i saw various testimonies of how DOCTOR BALBOSA helped so many relationship and i decided to contact him through his verified website details, after explaining everything to him, he also gave me instruction and i did all he asked me to do, surprisingly before 48 hours my lover came back begging me and the kids…i am really grateful to DOCTOR BALBOSA… fell free to contact him from any part of the world on his website at: https://www.balbosasolutionhome.com
    WHATSAPP/CALL +1 520 502 9758
    EMAIL: [email protected]

  30. susan lucky

    I worked as a caregiver back in 2022 for a close friend who had ALS disease. The diagnosis came after several of test done on him after experiencing various symptoms of the disease. After realizing this disease has no hopes of treatment, the family and I decided to go into a more better lasting solution. Our quest for a better treatment lead us to an Alternative holistic health page here on FB. Long story short, we visited the page and saw how people have been miraculously getting their ALS suppressed using the treatment from them. The positive review had convinced us that there’s a need trying out the treatment. I supported the family and got the herbal treatment. My friend used as prescribed by them. Barely two weeks of usage, all the symptoms he has had all been suppressed using this herbal treatment called Clomic. We are still in shock till now as he has had no symptoms over the past 11th month. Im using this opportunity to let everyone know of this treatment and I recommend them to visit their page or email the herbalist via [email protected]

  31. Clara Fredrick

    I am so happy to share this fantastic testimony of mine. My life has changed round completely in 48hours. I can see myself in the mirror and smile. I have confidence in myself and my abilities for the first time in ages. I have my boyfriend back in my life with the help of Dr Oniha. He said sorry 24 hours after the spell was created. He said he realised that he never really wanted to break up and he could not handle emotional baggage I was carrying around all the time. He said that he thought he was the negative influence on my life and thought it best to leave. He said it was hard that I kept talking about the past all the time. We have both forgiven each other. I have money in my pocket that is my own at last. (My compensation cheque came through. I was told it was months away. I am living proof of what Dr Oniha can do. I thank you so much Dr Oniha for the wonderful thing you did in my relationship. I am so happy now. With your help we were both able to see and speak the truth to each other. I never thought a spell could help a couple before. I am very pleased to contact you and initiate all this to happen. Anyone who has a relationship problem can contact Dr Oniha via email.
    [email protected].
    Website on http://onihaspells.com
    Call/Whatsapp +16692213962

  32. Kiara Hahn

    HOW I GOT MY EX BACK WITH THE HELP OF A SPELL CASTER WhatsApp +2349161779461

    Hello everyone my name is Kiara Hahn from California US. I’m here to testify of a great and powerful spell caster called Dr Jakuta. I was so confused and devastated when my fiance left me without a word, I’ve spent the last month crying and feeling guilty. I wasn’t talking to anybody, so one day I search online on love tips because I needed him back desperately and I loved him so much, until I found Dr Jakuta who has solved so many relationship problems then I contacted him and he promised that in less than 72hrs he will come back to me. After I did all he asked, to my greatest surprise my fiance who had refused to speak with me came to my house and asked for forgiveness for all he had made me go through and now we are living happily together, if you have any relationship problem you can contact him Below are his contact details: Email him at doctorjakutaspellcaster24@gmail. com or
    WhatsApp +2349161779461

  33. Alois Darragh

    I was defrauded of almost $540,000; if you want to get your lost bitcoin back, this is the key. I nearly lost everything when I sent this Russian guy money via Bitcoin during our conversation. However, EVIL HACKERS RECOVERY prompt involvement allowed me to promptly reclaim my $340.000 worth of Bitcoin. I have referred him to a few friends and co-workers since they are very excellent at what they do, and they have all turned into happy clients. They are reachable and have been a huge assistance to me in the trading profession. Hacking and Money Recovery. They are the greatest at both, possessing a variety of abilities to retrieve money and expose con artists. I’m relieved to have my money back, and I don’t feel guilty about being the victim of one of these cunning and complex scams. By reporting, you might be able to receive back some or all of the money you lost and stop the con artists from picking on more people. To get your money back from a Bitcoin scam, and other hacking services You can thank me later if you get in touch with this EVIL HACKERS RECOVERY. Email address: recoveryevilhackers @gmail.com OR WhatsApp: +353899820359

  34. Emily Faye

    I have been suffering from Herpes for the past 1 years and 8 months, and ever since then I have been taking series of treatment but there was no improvement until I came across testimonies of Dr. Silver on how he has been curing different people from different diseases all over the world, then I contacted him as well. After our conversation he sent me the medicine which I took according to his instructions. When I was done taking the herbal medicine I went for a medical checkup and to my greatest surprise I was cured from Herpes. My heart is so filled with joy. If you are suffering from Herpes or any other disease you can contact Dr. Silver today on this Email address: [email protected] or Whatsapp +2348120513902

  35. donna albert

    If you are suffering from herpes virus, i urge you to contact dr osalu to get cured completely from it. He cures herpes virus with pure natural roots and herbs. I ordered his herbal medicine and got it successfully, use it as prescribed by him and i got cured from genital herpes completely. contact his email address: [email protected] or you can call or whatsApp his Mobile number:+2348078668950.
    https://drosaluherbalhome.wixsite.com/drosaluherbshome

  36. George Aaron

    Greetings to everyone who read my testimony. Using this opportunity to thank the great real spell caster called Dr Ughulu is so exciting to me. I have been looking for a way to cure my HIV Disease but everything seems so wrong with all the herbal remedies I have taken. I was notified on my phone about how Dr. Ughulu cures someone out of herpes Disease. I read all the news that I was notified on the phone so luckily his website was there. That’s when I went through it and I saw he is a powerful man so I took advantage and sent him a message to help me cure my HIV Disease. I was very happy when he responded to me and told me the items needed to be able to cure my HIV Disease after I had spent a lot of money in the Hospitals and also with different types of traditional medicine in my country. Dr Ughulu did his best and sent me herbal remedies to cure my HIV Disease. It didn’t take up to a month. I was cured from HIV Disease. So when I met my Doctor to do a check up and my doctor told me I am fine now and free from HIV Disease. WEBSITE: https://drughulupowerfulsp.wixsite.com/my-site-ughulu EMAIL: [email protected] GET A QUICK RESPOND TEXT OR CALL: +1(252) 409-1841

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